If I remember correctly, the story goes like this.
When my mom was pregnant with me, she had a two-year-old daughter, and the National Guard deployed our dad to campus protests about the Vietnam War. She was feeling pretty overwhelmed, so she talked to her grandpa.
His response was exactly what I would expect from my Midwestern ancestors: “I don’t know how we will get through it. I just know that we got through the Great War, the Great Depression, and World War II, so somehow we’ll get through this.”
A simple, straightforward declaration of facts that completely downplays the emotion of the moment. That’s my midwestern heritage.
While this approach may be unhealthy at times, it reflects a principle that the ancient Stoics would appreciate: “Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not.” (Epictetus) Therefore, focus on what you can control and don’t invest emotional energy in what you cannot.
Modern positive psychology has expanded on this principle with the concentric circles of concern, influence, and control.
- The Circle of Control encompasses the aspects of life that we can directly control. It is the domain where we can take meaningful action that truly makes a difference. This circle includes how I manage my time, money, and energy, as well as my responses to events in my life.
- The Circle of Influence represents things beyond my immediate control but over which my efforts can make some difference. This is the gray zone. I can make an effort in this area but cannot control outcomes.
- The Circle of Concern refers to a broader range of external factors, challenges, and circumstances that we may care about but are clearly beyond our direct control, including the economy, climate, weather, and other people’s actions, reactions, behaviors, and feelings.
Understanding these circles and where certain things fall can help us discern where we spend our emotional energy and can have a direct impact on our anxiety levels.
For instance, the last ten years have been the most politically uncertain of my life (You may disagree with that statement if you are older than me.), and I am concerned about the acrimony driving our political discourse, but I have no control over it.
So, I have to ask a couple of questions:
- What circle does our politics fall into?
It’s mainly the Circle of Concern for me. - How much energy do I want to give to politics daily?
Not much. I want to stay informed, so I read a couple of articles daily and listen to a podcast on one of my daily walks. (WARNING: If you read articles online, there are algorithms against you to keep you reading the following article. It may be good to set a timer to keep you from doom scrolling.) - Can I do anything to shift these issues from the circle of concern to the circle of influence?
Yes, I have begun writing to my Representative and Senators when specific issues reach a certain level. After all, they work for me.
I can resolve that I won’t let anyone’s political views dictate how I treat them. Even if we disagree, I will treat all individuals with love and respect. (This is easier said than done, but this one resolution can dramatically change our world.)
This post is longer than most, so let’s close with these simple insights:
- The next time you feel anxious, consider which circle this angst falls into.
- Allocate 75-95% of your emotional energy to your inner circles.
Let me share a hard lesson I’ve learned if you are a parent. The parenting journey shifts from one of control (we used to control when our kids would eat and what they would eat) to one of influence, which is challenging.